08/27/03

The Red Planet

Tonight is the closest you will ever be to Mars, it will come back around in about 64 thousand years, so the only things that will have the chance to see it again will be Brittany's fake boobs, which of course have a lot longer shelf life than Brittany herself. Besides all that, all these lovely pictures that are adorning this page are, believe it or not, not pictures of Mars, but more like a new kind of entertainment being developed at the Onionspecific Northern offices, called..

URETHRA VISION!

Yep that's right folks, just when you thought that digital cable is as advanced as you can get, we change things up a little, move over Time Warner, here comes something different. We took a heavily medicated Mr. Dye and decided to film a space adventure in his kidneys, with characters like..

Ben Affleck as "The Evil Kidney Stone"

J-Lo as "Bride Of Evil Kidney Stone"

Ren and Stimpy as "HMO medical staff"

Tom Cruise as "The Maverick Urologist"

Roger Ebert says.

"It's a thrilling Inner Space adventure sure to leave you wishing for a morphine pump."

George Bush says.

"Dad, can I get a suit like the maverick urologist?"

The truth is my Pop had a couple of kidney stones that left him in a great deal of pain, luckily there was a doctor out there that had the cojones to actually do something about it, but for all those other doctors that wanted to wait and see what would happen next week because they were too busy golfing or waxing their Land Rovers, I hope that some day you're in a shit load of pain and the person responsible for your well being is too busy reading this page to do anything about it.

C.D.

Oh by the way, to give you an idea of the size of one of these stones, i put it next to something to get a reference.

Urethra Vision courtesy of Canon cameras.

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